Lately I've found out that it's really hard for me to deal with my emotions, family, friends, life.. Everything. I can't act like everything is OK, because nothing really is. Sometimes I feel that my whole life is just one big nightmare and lately I really can't help myself. I'm not really sensitive person, I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to think like adult. Even though I'm turning 18 next month, I'm still just a kid. And it's really hard. I've really bad grades at school. I tried when I was a little child, but from young age there has been no support from parents. So I stoped. Why should I've to study if I personally didn't care about my grades and there was no support? Here I am. 17 years old. I'm degraded. I'm stupid. I'm bad. Fighting with suicidal thoughts. And wondering - how does it feels, to be a great child: beautiful, smart, loved. How does it feels when you have no worries about school? And how does it feels when your parents love you no matter what? No matter how smart, beautiful, successful you are?
It is really hard to talk about this. Because none of my friends truly know how does it feels. I've some friends which don't have one our both of their parents and I estimate that I've my parents. That I've home, I've my own bed, wardrobe, money. I have everything I need. But some of kids don't. And I estimate everything I have. But it really hurts when you feel bad about yourself all the time. All the fucking time. Already 5 years, as long as I remember myself I feel like shit. Total shit. Worthless. I hate winter time, I really do. And I don't like Christmas and New Years Eve too. As kid I remember these celebrations as beautiful, happy days, but now I don't even wait for Christmas because I know that my mom will yell at me. And we will fight. And it all will end up with tears. My tears. Time goes by so fast but nothing change. And nothing ever will change until I will leave this house. I'm 17 years old. How can I let others do this to myself? Miserably.
I'm not going everywhere. I will be here. I will fight with my mom. I love her, but I love myself too. I'm not going to hurt myself ever again. I will fight with myself, I'm going to prove myself (and to my loved ones too: grandmother, dad & aunt) that I'm going to become successful person.
Why did I wrote all this? If you read this and you ever feel bad about yourself - stop it. And if you're a parent and you don't spend enough time with your children, if you don't underestimate how successful your children are - stop it. Think about how much every kid on the whole world want to be loved no matter what. Think about that. I can't do anything to change my past, but I can change my future and you can change your future, also your child future.
I'm going to introduce you all with myself second time - this is real me.